Harry Potter Goes Alpha
by Writingathing
Summary: Harry, Ron, Hermione and Draco must confront their nerves and each other as they prepare for the Yule Ball. Rating for strong language, explicit sexual themes. It's over. Thankfully.
1. Before the Dance

Shit. Shit fuck shit.

Harry smoothed his hair back, then pushed it forward, then back again. Scar out or in? Would he look too much like a showoff if it was just like, boom, out there? But hiding it would make him seem shy. Chicks did like shy guys. But not really, not _actually_ shy guys. Maybe he could just have a little bit of his bangs covering a part of it, just enough to be interesting without giving it all away for free, or was that too obvious?

Shit. Shit shit shit. Why the hell did I agree to do this?

"I need Wizard fucking Deodorant," Harry muttered. "Does that exist? Hey, Neville!" he shouted. "Where can I get some Wizard fucking Deodorant?"

"Oh, you just need an anti-Stinking Charm, Mr. Potter," Neville said, appearing by the door.

"Then shut the fuck up and get casting, Neville," Harry snapped nervously.

"Right you are, Mr. Potter."

"And quit talking like that."

"Yes, Mr. Potter. _Afeteus_!"

Harry inspected his robes. "Do something for the sweat, too."

"_Scourgify_. Do you mind doing me as well, Mr. Potter?"

"What? Neville, you're not going to the ball," Harry laughed.

"Oh yes I am, Mr. Potter," Neville said proudly. "I asked Ginny Weasely to attend and she agreed quite readily."

Harry raised an eyebrow. "Whoa. Neville. Ginny is Ron's little sister. I don't think he's going to be cool with that."

"Well, it's Ginny's choice, and she said yes," Neville said. "Besides, it's only a friendly dance."

Harry smoothed out his collar. "Yeah, well, I'm just saying, Ron's probably not going to be cool with it. You know, do what you want, it's cool with me. I'm just saying. It's not cool."

"It's just a friendly dance," Neville said nervously.

Harry shrugged. "I'm just saying, Neville, you know. Kind of stabbing your friend in the back. It's not cool."

"If you say so, Mr. Potter."

"I am. Just saying."

* * *

_I am going to bone Padma Patil._

Ron rolled down the sleeves of his dress robe.

_Who's looking good? Weasley's looking good._

Peering into the mirror, Ron took out his wand and held it up to his nose.

_Bet she and Parvati are going to have the flyest dresses. Like, they're going to be made out of saffron or something. _

"_Accio_ nose hair. Ow! _Accio_ nose hair. Ow!"

_Probably got some exotic Indian dance moves. Bet Indian chicks really know how to get down._

Ron swept his hair back. "Yo. Hey. Padma. Lookin' good. Pretty good."

_That's right, Weasley. Act like you're not interested, like she's okay, but she could be a lot better. Make her want to impress you._

Ron had learned a lot from watching his older brothers. He swept his hair to the other side. "Hey. Parvati. That dress is kind of pretty. You look sort of nice in it. You know, I was thinking about asking you but I ended up asking your sister."

_Weasely threesome with the exotic twins, here we come._

Ron tossed his hair and struck another pose. "Hey. Patil chicks. Just the two girls I wanted to see. Oh, Harry has diarrhea? Too bad. Looks like Ron is really the cool one of the famous duo. Want to dance? You two seem like good dancers. Well, pretty good dancers."

* * *

"One two three and one two three and one two three," Hermione whispered to herself as she swayed in a circle in a corner of Hogwarts' library, her arms held out at different heights. A book was propped open on the ground with pictures of dancing steps. Hermione had charmed it to turn itself, and as she nodded at it the page flipped.

"Thank goodness for magical pictures," Hermione said as she peered at the moving figures dancing on the page. She began to sway again. "One two three and one two three and one two three and KICK turn heel arms out twirl pull around up and one two three and one two three..."

Well. That was the first half of the ball taken care of, more or less. By this point, Hermione had read enough novels to know what was supposed to happen to much-maligned and ignored young girls at the end of a magical ball with a handsome rich celebrity. But were books really the best way to learn about..._that_?

_Of course they are. Don't be silly. Books are the best way to learn about everything._

Briefly, before she was able to banish the thought to a dungeon in her mind, Hermione remembered a dozen or more books scattered, thrown around the floor of her room, before she had learned she was a witch, before she had met Harry Potter and Ron Weasley. She could still remember the titles.

_How to Make Friends. How to Become Popular. How to Stand Up to Bullies. How to Start Conversations. How to Manage a Business_ - she had thought desperately that maybe a book on business would have to be more useful, or else they wouldn't let it be written. Who "they" were she didn't know, but she had trusted in "they" as a little girl as fiercely as her peers trusted in Santa Claus - which is to say, she believed in "they" with a burning desire, and doubted "they" with a sick dread.

_No! Books are...books are..._

Hermione had stopped dancing. She looked down unseeingly at the dancing figures swirling over the pages. The pages began to flutter, turning rapidly as her mind scattered and reformed.

_No!_

Hermione slapped a note down on the desk of Madam Pince.

"I have permission to browse the Restricted Section."

"Oh, it's you again?" Madam Pince hardly glanced at Hermione. She snatched the note up and rubbed it between her fingers as if she could determine its validity through touch. "Go on. I'll know if you try to check out anything you weren't supposed to."

Hermione nodded. She steeled herself and walked bravely through the doors to the Restricted Section.

* * *

"Man, Dean, did you hear Neville's going to the ball with Ginny?"

Dean looked up. "Yeah, why?"

"I don't know man, it doesn't seem cool." Harry fiddled with his wand. "I mean, Ginny is Ron's little sister. That's just not cool, you know? I mean, it's cool with me. I don't care. I Just think it's not cool for Neville to go behind Ron's back like that."

"Seems fine to me," Dean said. "It's just a friendly thing."

"Hey, Seamus," Harry said as Seamus was nervously lacing up his shoes. "What do you think about Neville going behind Ron's back like that?"

"Huh?" Seamus said. "Damn, you need magic to tie these or something. Can you help me out, Harry?"

"I just think Neville's being kind of a jerk about it, that's all," Harry said. "I mean, I'm just saying."

"Hey, Nearly Headless Nick, did you hear about Neville and Ginny?"

"Ah, Sir Harry, how do you do this fine evening?" Nearly Headless Nick said, happy to have someone voluntarily talking to him. "You look all ready for the ball to begin. No, I can't say that I heard."

"Yeah, well, Neville kind of went behind Ron's back and asked Ginny to the ball, even though Ron had made it pretty clear that he didn't want Neville and Ginny going together. I mean, that's pretty low, you know? And Neville is not being cool about it."

Harry glanced out a window. What time was it? Shit. Shiiiiiiit.

* * *

"Hey, Harry," Ron said, smiling broadly. "Wow, you are looking sharp. Just real sharp tonight, buddy."

"Yeah, uh, thanks." Harry raised an eyebrow at Ron's frilly dress robes. "You look...dashing."

Ron winked. "I look like a peacock. Hey, take one of these." Ron reached into his pocket and held out a small pill.

Harry took the pill. "What's it do?"

"It keeps you from getting too sweaty," Ron said. "Every wizard uses one."

"Thanks, because man, am I sweaty." Harry held the pill up to his mouth. "Aren't you going to take one too?"

"Already did, buddy," Ron said, watching as Harry dropped the pill into his mouth and swallowed. "Already did."

* * *

Hermione turned the _Charma Sutra_ upside down. She squinted.

"No, that still doesn't make any sense," she said, turning the book right side up again. She tossed it aside and took another one. _Advanced Transfigurations for Beginning Furries._ She opened it and read the first page.

"Ew!"

* * *

Draco paced back and forth nervously in his green dress robes. Wand, check. Hot date, check. Evil master plan, check. When was the blasted ball going to begin?

He slicked back his damp blond hair. Shit. Shiiiiit.

The bell for the hour rang.

The Yule Ball was beginning.


	2. The Dance

"And how do you do, Harry?" Cedric Diggory beamed. "You look fantastic. Who did you find to bring to the ball?"

"Fuck you, Cedric," Harry moaned. He doubled over. Something inside his stomach had turned violent and was trying madly to escape.

"Viktor, I'm glad you found your way here," Cedric said as Viktor Krum walked into the champions' waiting room, scowling as usual.

"What is wrong with him?" he said in a deep Bulgarian accent, pointing at Harry.

"Oh, he seems to be finding his courage," Cedric said.

"He looks pathetic. Like a pathetic virgin."

"Ah, Fleur!" Cedric said as Fleur Delacour swept inside the room.

"What is wrong with ze little boy?" she asked disdainfully.

"He is like a little virgin boy," Krum said.

"Oh, I'm sure he's just finding it a little stressful. He _is_ only a fourth-year."

"Fucking Cedric, I'll fucking kill you by the end of this tournament," Harry gasped. He wiped his sweaty hands on the front of his dress robes. Either Ron's pill hadn't worked, or it was the only thing keeping him from collapsing of dehydration.

Cedric patted him on the back. "Buck up, Harry, you're a Gryffindor." A bell rang. "Ah, that must be our cue. Come then, let's go find our dates outside. I found out that we four Champions will be the only ones dancing for the first number."

"That's fucking fantastic," Harry groaned, his head swimming. "Oh, fuck."

* * *

Harry stumbled onto the dance floor, led by Parvati. He barely noticed as she lifted his hand and put it on her shoulder and put her own hand on his hip.

"Now dance," she said, clasping his other hand in hers.

"Ohhh fuck me," Harry whimpered. He realized that he needed to shit. Badly.

"You are very sweaty," Parvati whispered. "Please stop sweating."

"How are you finding things, Harry?" Cedric swung by, spinning rhythmically with Cho Chang. "Is everything well?"

Harry tripped over his own feet, barely catching himself in time. The floor rocked and swelled like the waves of the sea, and Parvati's face was nothing more than a dim blur.

"Ohh shit," he moaned.

"Harry, stop leaning on me!" Parvati said, struggling to support his weight. "You're too heavy!"

"I need to shit so badly." Harry's eyes were wet. "I'm going to throw up."

"Mr. Potter is such an alpha," Neville said fervently, watching from beside the dance floor with the other students.

"Such an alpha," Ron said, munching on some wizarding snacks.

"But look at Hermione!" one of the indiscriminate Gryffindors said.

Whereas the other three partners mostly stayed in one small space, revolving slowly, Hermione led Krum on a whirlwind around the entire dance floor, twirling and leaping and making intricate patterns with her hands. Krum struggled to hold on to her, essentially fumbling and grasping his way around the floor as Hermione gracefully danced.

"Damn, that is an awesome dress," Ron said. He nudged Padma Patil. "Now that's a dress. Yours is good too. I'm just saying. Hermione's is _really_ good."

Draco watched in horror as Harry self-destructed on the dance floor.

_What is wrong with him? Why is he doing this now, on this night, when I have everything in place?_ A terrifying thought occurred to Draco. Could Harry have known somehow? That would be just like the Muggle-lover to have spied on Draco ahead of time.

The song ended. Everyone clapped and walked out onto the dance floor with their dates.

Draco's hands curled into fists. _Damn you, Potter. I'm on_ to_ you. You won't be getting the best of me tonight._

It was time to take things up a level.

* * *

"Not cool, Neville," Harry gasped as he stumbled into Neville and Ginny dancing. "Friend-betrayer."

Parvati had her arms wrapped around his waist, trying to hold him up. "Try to dance, Harry. At least sway. Everyone's looking at us!"

Harry slapped a sweaty hand on Neville's shoulder. "It's not cool, bro. It's not cool."

"Harry, what's not cool?" Ginny asked.

"Neville said you're a slut," Harry slurred. "A slutty slut who sluts around with anyone who asks you out. Like a big sexy ginger slut who keeps dating all my friends but not me."

"I never said any such thing!"

"Neville!" Ginny pushed him away. "How could you? I never told anyone about the weird fungus you have growing on your bottom. Isn't that why you're so interested in Herbology? Looking for a cure, right? I was going to help you!" she sobbed and ran off, pushing her way through a mass of tangled couples.

"No, Ginny, I -" Neville protested. He slumped as she disappeared into the crowd. "Now you've done it, Mr. Potter," he said bitterly. "Now you've done it."

"That'll teach her to go out with people," Harry said. "Don't mess with the alpha, Neville." Harry swallowed down a bit of puke that had come up. "I'm the alpha. Who's the alpha? I'm the alpha. Ohhh shit I need to shit Parvati let go."

Parvati released him. Harry collapsed, his cheek pressed against the floor.

"I'm going to shit right here. Fuck it. I'm going to shit in my fucking dress robes."

Dean and Seamus sprinted over and hoisted Harry up. They carried him off the dance floor while he whimpered.

"Oh my fucking god," Parvati muttered. "What a fucking loser."

"Hey." Ron Weasley came spinning by with Padma. He stood out against the crowd in his ancient frilly dress robes. "Looks like the real secret to Gryffindor's infamous duo is the Weasley, eh?" His eyes slid over her body. "Not bad. You look fine. Want to dance?"

"But Ron!" Padma said.

"Oh, hey." Ron nodded at her. "You did a pretty good job. Why don't you go get us some butterbeers while I try out Parvati, and we'll see where things go from there?"

* * *

"Ohh shit!" Harry sobbed. "This hurts so fucking much."

"We really don't want to know that, Harry," Dean said. "Listen, are you going to be okay here?"

"No!" Harry groaned and clutched his sides as another wave of pain and nausea passed. "Ohhh fuck another salvo is coming."

"Yeah, we're out of here," Seamus said. "Come on, our dates are getting lonely. I'm going to stick it in Lavender Brown tonight, I can feel it."

"Don't run out on your alpha," Harry moaned. "Come back here you fucking assholes. I'm the goddamned alpha, do you hear me?"

* * *

"Hmm," Ron said as he and Parvati slowed to a stop as the song ended. "Better than I expected, but not as good as I hoped. Let's see if Padma wants to join us."

* * *

"You are such a good dancer," Viktor said as he and Hermione twirled around the dance floor. "I had no idea when I asked you."

"Oh, I read a few books about it," Hermione said innocently. "Speaking of which..." She leaned in and whispered into his ear. "Maybe if you're _bad_ I'll tie up your feet later tonight and spank them."

Viktor jerked back. "What the hell?"

* * *

Ginny ran blindly through the dance hall, consumed by the pain of betrayal and humiliation. Neville had seemed so nice and sweet. It wasn't her fault she was such a slut! Blinded by tears and rage, Ginny didn't see where she was running until she collided with a large, heavy body.

"Ouch!" she fell backwards, clutching her head. She gasped when she realize it was Professor Moody she had run into. He glared at her, and then looked down in horror at his dropped flask. The contents, a green mucus-like liquid, spilled out onto the floor.

Professor Snape's wand was in his hand in an instant and leveled at Professor Moody. "Tell me, Mad-Eye, why do the contents of your flask have the color and consistency of Polyjuice Potion?"

* * *

Harry shat.

* * *

"Now don't get ahead of yourself, Severus," Professor Moody said. "It's just a potion for my - my hip pain." His hand wandered down to his wand pocket.

"Don't waste your breath lying to me about potions, whoever you really are," Professor Snape said. "I see that hand! Don't move an inch, or I'll curse you."

* * *

"Ready, Crabbe?"

"Ready!"

Draco steeled himself. "Ready, Goyle?"

"Ready!"

* * *

The other professors and Headmaster Dumbledore rushed over.

"Severus, what is going on?" Professor McGonagall said. "You are threatening to curse Professor Moody!"

"That's not him," Snape said. "You see that spilled liquid from his flask? That's Polyjuice Potion."

Headmaster Dumbledore took out his wand and pointed it at the impostor as well. "Well done, Severus. Minerva, please contact the Aurors at once and bring them here." Professor McGonagall nodded and dashed out of the room.

"If I am not mistake, our impostor has most likely been impersonating Alastor from the beginning," Headmaster Dumbledore said. "Poor, poor Alastor," he said quietly. "But now at least we can solve this problem and avoid whatever terrible trauma might have awaited us all should this impostor have completed his dark plan."

* * *

"Go!"


	3. Harry Potter and the Bot of Boogie

"Ahhhh!" Draco screamed.

"Ahhhh!" Crabbe and Goyle screamed.

"Ahhhh!" everyone screamed.

* * *

"Oh, Jesus," Harry gasped. "Oh, thank God, it's over. I think it's finally over."

"All right," he said after he had washed his hands and face. He ran a critical eye over himself in the mirror. "Hm...a little flushed."

He popped his collar. "There."

Harry swept back the hair around his scar and walked out of the restroom.

* * *

"AHHHHH!"

Harry gazed impassively at the pandemonium in the ball room.

Time to go alpha.

* * *

"Well, that was a strange ending to the ball," Ron said.

"Yeah, who would have thought Malfoy would have altered the Goblet of Fire into a fully autonomous dancing robot that would have chosen you to participate in a magically binding dance-off that would have led to your ultimate public humiliation?" Hermione said.

"But it turns out that when they had taught it to identify you, it had actually just learned to identify scars, and so it danced aggressively at handicapped people," Ron said.

"So Professor Moody was forced to use the Killing Curse on it, demonstrating that he really is the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, and clearing up the mystery of the contents of his flask, which we now know is just vodka and mucus."

"Well, we all learned a lesson, didn't we?" Draco said.

"I learned that there's more to being an alpha than looks, fame, and fortune," Harry said. "More important than anything is courage. And timing. I was _so_ going to out-dance that robot."

"I learned that you can't learn everything through books. Sometimes you have to take a risk and put yourself out there," Hermione said. "And I learned that what I read about...romance in the Restricted Section can be very misleading." She sighed. "Poor Viktor. He's in St. Mungo's now."

"I learned that being an alpha is mostly about convincing everyone else that they're betas," Ron said. "And it's _great_."

"I learned that machine learning is extremely complicated," Draco said. "Time to become a social scientist and just run regressions all day looking for spurious correlations to publish, contributing to the decreasing signal-to-noise ratio in modern science that is slowly destroying the only institution that ever has and ever will offer humanity any real hope for progress."

"I learned not to write myself into a corner."

"Yeah, well, now that we've all learned our lessons, why don't we go crack that egg?" Harry said. "Together."

"Yeah!" everyone cheered.

* * *

Neville and Ginny met by the lake.

"Ginny, I'm sorry, I never called you a -"

"Shh." Ginny placed a finger on his lips. "It's fine. I am a slut."

"Ginny!" Neville grabbed her shoulders and gazed at her with blazing eyes. "If you're a slut, then so's half the girls in Hogwarts! Don't you know that the number of sexual partners a girl will admit to doubles when she thinks she's undergoing a lie detector test?"

"What...what does that mean?" Ginny gasped.

"It means everyone's a slut," Neville said. "Girls are having _exactly_ as much sex as guys are, and everyone knows how slutty _we_ are. Most people just lie about it. What makes you special, Ginny, isn't that you're a slut, but that you're honest."

"Wow!" Ginny said. "I can't wait to tell Collin!"

"Who's Collin?"

"My boyfriend! Although I'm thinking about making a switch. Dean is pretty cute, don't you think?"

Nevile's head jerked back. "What?!"

* * *

"Studying for finals can do funny things to a person's head," Harry said. "Things that you'll regret later."

"That's the truth," Ron said fervently. "It brings out a side of you that you'd never want to share with others, yet you can't help yourself."

"I'm just glad no one is writing any of this down," Hermione said. "We can all just forget about it."

"Yeah, that'd be best. Come on, you guys, let's go search through the entire library for a common spell and totally fail to find it."

"Yeah!"


End file.
